Following an absolutely ludicrous Five Live phone-in show after the Euro 2012 final, when BBC football pundit Alan Green cut off callers (who dared to have an opinion different to him) with rhythmic petulance, I decided to take a leaf out of his book and become an unnecessarily aggressive tosser myself, on the subject of Alan Green, just for the hell of it. And he can’t cut me off.
So here are seven reasons why my dislike of Alan Green runs so deep:
- He was born in Belfast but supports Liverpool. Having checked his date of birth, this makes him a glory hunting parasite
- His commentary style is described as “honest and uncompromising”. Anyone whose commentary style is described as such is really just an argumentative oaf – or Robbie Savage. And he’s a massive tosser too
- His vocabulary is of similar size to that of a dyslexic pig. Everything is either “brilliant!” or “shocking!” Mostly “shocking!”
- He looks like the love-child of Clive Tyldesley and Adrian Chiles, with a hint of a PE teacher that would insist half the boys play in skins
- His surname is a colour, which is lame
- He likes golf
- But above all else, the single most annoying thing that makes me dislike the jumped up little prick is that I found myself agreeing with the Daily Mail. And that makes me feel incredibly dirty
It pains me to think that my TV licence lines his pockets. It also amazes me that someone with such limited social intellect can enjoy a fruitful career with the BBC. I can only surmise that, once upon a time, the BBC actively recruited bell ends.
Alan Green – you’re a shocker.