Russell Slade: Hi Harry. Thanks for signing this two-year contract. Welcome to Grimsby Town Football Club.
Harry Cardwell: Thanks boss, delighted to be here. Looking forward to getting some games under my b-
Slade: Sorry, Harry. Got to cut you off there. I’m trying to sign another striker to bolster our attacking options. [Answers phone] Hi, is that JJ?
JJ Hooper: Hi Russ. Yeah, just looking through my contract now. It says until 2019. You know we’re still only in 2017 yeah?
Slade: Just sign the papers, JJ. We need strikers before the start of the season.
Scott Vernon, Sam Jones and Akwasi Asante: Ahem, excuse me boss, but…
Slade: Not now, lads. Can’t you see I’m doing business? Jamille! Nice to hear from you. Boy, do we need a striker.
Jamille Matt: Yes, and I’m looking for some game time. Won’t get it at Blackpool. When can I join up with you guys?
Slade: Come over now! I’ll stick you straight into the squad. We could do with a striker. One second, Jamille-
Charles Vernam: Hi boss, apparently you want me to join on loan from Derby? That’d be awesome! I’m from the area, you see. Just a bit unsure about the competition for places as you seem to have a lot of strikers here already…
Slade: Them? Oh don’t worry about them. The thing about having loads of strikers is that you’ll never struggle for goals.
Vernam: But we’ve only scored two goals in the last seven games.
Slade: Shit! Have we? Jesus. Right, only one way to solve this. Hello Leeds? Can I speak to Mallik please.
Mallik Wilks: Hello? Who are you?
Slade: I’m the Defence Slayer, Russell Slade. We play boomball over in Grimsby. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Wanna join?
Wilks: Hmm, sounds like I could score a few there. How many other strikers have you got, Russ?
Slade: Five permanent and two loanees. But don’t let that put you off. I’ll play you. You have my word.
Wilks: Brilliant! I’ll be right over. What system do you like to pl-
Slade: Shut up, Mallik. Can’t you see I’m busy trying to sign a striker? Blimey. The youth of today. No respect. You’re on the bench. Yes, hello? Is that Simeon?
Simeon Jackson: Hi Russ, you bald headed bastard. Which club are you shafting these days?
Slade: Oi, cheeky! Grimsby. Wanna join? Got a good thing going here. You’ll get starts here, and when you turn out to be shit I’ll bench you, then drop you altogether because I can’t be arsed to coach anyone these days. It’s too hard. They don’t pay me enough.
Jackson. Hmm. Well, I’m not doing much here. Could be fun, for five minutes.
Slade: Great! Don’t get smart, though. I’m only signing you because I couldn’t get that barrel-chested bastard from Wycombe and that whale from York. Got that? Good. Right. Come in, Sam.
Sam Jones: Yes boss?
Slade: It’s just not working out for you here, is it? I mean, 12 goals in 28 appearances is just not good enough in a year when we’ve been bloody awful.
Jones: Well, it’s almost one in two. Keep me fit, play me up front every game and I’ll get you 20 goals a season.
Slade: Yes, but I’d have to make an effort. Anyway, I didn’t sign you. Who the fuck do you think you are, coming in here telling me how good you are at scoring?
Jones: But boss, you’ve barely bothered to make the effort-
Slade: Right, pack your bags. You’re off to Shrewsbury. I hear they play awful football these days and the manager is a dour Yorkshire twat.
Nigel Lowther: Hi Russell, Nigel here. Why have you signed loads of strikers and released your top scorer?
John Fenty: Let me handle this one, Russ. Yes, hello Nigel. You’re barred.
[Slade and Fenty high-five]
Matt Dean: Hi John. Hi Russ. I hear someone could be joining the coaching staff. Is this true?
Fenty: [adjusts turtle neck sweater] Well, some people should try conducting some due diligence before spreading nasty hateful rumours. Some people are so rude! How dare some local journalists investigate things and then ask questions.
Slade: You had me shitting my nylon boxers there. You lose trust, Matt. You lose trust.
Fenty (to Slade): We’re so good at running the football club, Russ.
Slade: Yes, I know. I’ve signed a load of cack, who I don’t play. And I’ll keep signing cack. And if anyone dares to be good, I’ll bench them. And if there’s anyone here with an ounce of talent that I didn’t sign, they can do one. I’ve brought boomball back, John. We’re really building something here. I think… I think I have an erection.
Fenty: Me too, Russ. Me too.